Wednesday, February 1, 2012

these are my confessions...

(I just couldn't stop singing Usher in my head as I was writing this and maybe this got a little heavy and I needed a little audio pick-me-up)

I gotta be honest here and say that I have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster lately.
My sweet kiddos and husband have put up with me like champions but, I just can't seem to get it together. This whole month I have been a little off my rocker.
I don't know if it is all my hormones changing again from being pregnant, the let down after the holidays or just the exhaustion that comes with 2 young kids...but, something is up with me.
One major thing I am struggling with is good time management. It is kind of a shocker to me that I am saying that because that is usually a huge strong point of mine. But, lately I keep telling myself that whatever I have planned to do that day....cut it in half....and then maybe I will not be disappointed in my failure to achieve those goals. I know one thing is that I have started back to work. I work part-time and exclusively from home. That should sound like a walk in the park to many full-time working mommies out there. But, I just can't balance it yet. Most of you moms know that there is rarely an hour that both my kids are sleeping at the same time during the day. So, I don't get a lot of work done unless Kinley is at school and Ty is not at home. My mom is a saint and keeps my kids WAY more than I could ever find time to thank her, those are the times I work. But, then I miss them. It is the typical struggle that all moms feel that juggle work and mommyhood. I know this is NOT a new revelation...but, it has hit me hard lately.
Another thing, is Kinley's attitude lately. I am sure that it is a phase and probably a direct reciprocation of my own attitude...but, she has been a bit of a pill to swallow. That sweet angel is "strong-willed" like no one I know. There have been some epic tantrums and showdowns. She is trying HARD to fight naptime...which is very difficult for me and pushing every boundary she can. This also....not anything new to parents of 2 year olds..but, new to me for my sweet angel girl.
It makes me sad because the things take the back-burner that I love blogging, creating, reading, working out. I think those are the things that keep me sane and those have somehow been eliminated from my daily routine.
I feel like I have to make this confession because from the may appear like I have time for miles and craft and photograph my days away without a care in the world. But, I don't want to project an image of our life that is one-sided.

On the one hand, I am a total wreck.....on the other, I am learning more and more about myself and the God we serve everyday.

How truly out of whack is my time management problem? How often are my thoughts about me and not HIM and how I can best serve God? How often is he giving me an opportunity to love and serve my family that I am not taking because of my ho-hum attitude? How many times have I been "tyring" and "strong-willed" against what his perfect plan is for me? How many times He probably looks down and says....this, honey, is nothing. The world is full of real problems and you have nothing but blessings to count.
I know that He loves me and that no worry or problem is too small to go to Him with and I take comfort in that. I know that through prayer and time with Him in his Word, I can see into His soul and His perfect plan for my life right now. I know that I will one day look back on these times as the best of my life. If I just take a step back and look at my family, all seems right in the world again.
So, for now, I am just going to make peace with the fact that every day my plans and my attitude is a work in progress and I need God's grace and timing every day. I pray he can teach me how to be a good parent and help me deal with my babies how HE would deal with me. I hope my expectations for the day become aligned with His expectations. Overall, I just hope that I can tap into the wellspring that is Jesus and let Him change me for the better.
I know this a total random ramble...but, that is my heart and time has been this week.

Much love to anyone out there...thanks for reading and letting me vent.
I will be back soon with new home office-redo projects, valentines crafts, baby shower gifts, and tales from a trip Ty and I are taking this week that I am SO excited about!


Elizabeth said...

sending you a big hug lady.

kristen said...

linds. oh my gosh I am so sorry. Love you so much and wish you could see how incredibly amazing of a mom, wife and worker you are! your time management skills are incredible and if it doesn't feel that way right now- it has got to be because it has just started! you are such an inspiration to me as a friend, and how you live your life with such conviction, strength and reliance on Him. I wish I was there to come over right now! love you so much and am so glad you get to relax and party tomorrow!!!! Love you so much and am just so amazed at how you do it all so well! Thanks for being so open!

kristinbednarz said...

Hang in there...

I've been there, done that. I think it's something I still deal with and I have teenagers. I just wanted to reach out and give you a cyber hug and say,

HANG IN THERE (with Jesus)

Jan said...

Oh sweet niece...I am hear to tell you at 56 years old that I need God's grace and direction every day too. I constantly struggle with not getting things done, juggling my time, completing a project, and I basically have no kids at home! You never stop wanting the best for your kids, happiness for them, even more than you've experienced. You will constantly question your parenting through different stages of their lives. Twos and threes are tough for every parent! All I know is that staying as consistent AS POSSIBLE is the key. If you continue to hear that your kids mind and are nice, etc. from their school teachers, Sunday School teachers, friends' parents, coaches, etc. then you know you're doing a good job. Even though they act up at home (which I'll never understand!) they do know right from wrong around others. Hearing from others always gave me an inner peace. Take a deep breath. Continue to pray. You'll be fine.
I love you soooooooo much. Aunt Jan

Camila said...

Oh Linds! Hang in there! This is just a hard season we are in and it's hard to juggle everything but you are doing GREAT (and if it's any consolation you actually do look like you have it all together and then some from the outside!)
Winlon is also testing boundaries a LOT lately and it is a good exercise in patience for me to remain loving but firm and consistent. We'll have to swap stories sometime to make each other laugh!

Jan said...

*here. Should have proofread this!!! haha

Nina said...

Love your honesty sweet friend. I am sorry you are feeling that way but even me, a non-mom knows that being a mom is by far the hardest job ever. I really can't imagine being a mom and a wife and working...kinda stresses me out just thinking about it! I will pray for you and please let me know if there is anything I could do, I would love to come watch those kiddos one day if you need time away - which everyone does!! Love you!

Allison said...

Oh LInds! I hate the roller coaster of emotions! The ups and downs and then just when you think its over, there is an upside down loop de loop! I'm so glad you vented about it and I hope and pray things start to feel normal again soon. It's definitely a new kind of normal with two kids for me:) I think you are the most amazing mom ever!

Leanne and Brian said...

Oh lindsay! I felt like I was reading part of my journal when I read this. I remember crying like a crazy woman and being so frusterated and yet so thankful at the same time. And I vividly remember the "attitude" that my sweet baby girl suddenly took on. Hang in there. It does get easier to manage time and two kids. I remember the first time they took a nap at the same time for two hours. I'll be praying for you sweet girl, as the roles fall into place. I do know that God sustains. You are such a strong example and I'm so thankful to know you and your family!! I just wish we were closer!
Love you!!

Alexis said...

I only have one baby and I can totally sympathize with this post. I love being a momma, but sometimes question if I have what it takes to be a momma to 2. It is so refreshing to find so much honesty in posts.

I hope things get better for you. I am not sure if you are familiar with the blog "Mommastery", but she has some awesom posts on being a momma and just life in general. I get so much encouragement from her.